Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Single Life

Yes, I'm back so soon. I've got some time to kill, so let's touch base on my favorite subject of all time.

Online dating.

And if you haven't ever gone down that road before (which, surprisingly is becoming rare, as more and more of my friends are diving head-first into this madness), you have no idea what a shit-show this entire process has become.

The entire thing is like gardening. Before you can actually plant something and cultivate it, you have to do a hell of a lot of weeding.

The guys with severe mommy issues -- they're more common than you might think. Stay away. You're no one's babysitter.

The guys who are only out for the wrong reasons -- learn how to pinpoint them, and then run for the hills. Don't even bother going on a date with them. You'll spend all night trying to steer conversation away from sexual innuendos.

The guys who consider themselves overly attractive -- this trait is easy to spot, and something you should avoid at all costs. Never date someone prettier than you are.

The guys who want to wife you -- these guys are tricky. You get caught up in their sweet gestures and their consistent communication (imagine that.. a guy who actually calls texts you every day) and this ideal little relationship that literally seems to form overnight. It's a trap. Get out while you can.

The guys who don't know what they want -- these are the guys stuck in the twilight zone. Much like most girls my age (myself included), they're torn between their swinging single friends (think all-night keg parties and countless walks of shame) and their happily married couples (think wedding cakes, mortgages and baby strollers) with nowhere to turn.

They feel pressured to be in a relationship (psst.. your biological clock is ticking) but another part of them wants to go out and booze it downtown with their buddies and stay up all night playing video games. These guys will inevitably choose the latter, and you'll be at home alone on a Friday night with a tub of ice cream, staring at your phone incessantly, willing it to ring. And it won't.

And then there are the 'surprise red flag' guys. These are actually my favorites (purely for entertainment value) because they present themselves as perfect in every way. At first, that is.

Once you get to know them a little better, they'll eventually show you a side of themselves that you never saw coming. Porn addiction? Eleven toes? Personality disorder? Yes, the truth always rears its ugly head.

It's always fun to try and guess the 'surprise red flag' on the first date. Because you might get glimpses of it, but you can't always be sure. And hell, these guys are usually so charming, you're completely willing to go out with them on a second date. And then a third. Maybe a fourth. And then, BOOM. Red flag. Time to call it a night and flag down the first taxi home.

And the whole online dating element seems to really bring the crazies to the table. You never know what you're getting when you agree to go on a date with someone from the 'interwebs'.

The game of dating evolves into something much, much worse than the organic boy chats up girl at the bar, asks girl on date.

I can't remember the last time I went on a date with someone simply after meeting them in person. It's been at least two years. But, all the same, that relationship obviously never panned out, so what's the harm in playing the field a little bit and racking up the horror stories to tell your friends?

Actually, come to think of it, the last 'organic' date I went on (met him in a bar one night before he asked me out) was probably the worst date I've ever been on. The guy was downing shots at dinner (please, you fool.. I'm not that untolerable) and then once the check came, he happened to have 'forgotten' his wallet. So I paid, no big deal.

But this kid wanted to continue our date, by bar-hopping. At this point I realized he was a lost cause, so for the hell of it I decided a night's worth of booze was just what the doctor ordered.

So, being the gentleman that he was, we walked up to meet his friend at a bar around the corner, so that my date could "borrow some cash" to continue our date.

Turns out, he didn't so much want to "borrow" money from his friend as he wanted to sell pot to his friend in exchange for cash. A drug deal on the first date is bound to win any girl's heart.

Think that's bad? It gets worse.
So we retreated to a bar, date's drug money in hand, and he continued on with the shots.

Before long he was completely hammered, and I was barely on my second vodka drink. Needless to say, his money didn't stick around very long. After a fumbled attempt to kiss me (I'll be damned if you think I'd let that moron get anywhere near me), I decided it was time to end our date.

He proceeded to tell me he was too drunk to function. Go figure.

After I promptly responded no, he requested a ride home (he lived about twenty minutes away in North Raleigh). I obviously said no. So then he asks me if he can crash at my house, on my couch. Being the bleeding heart that I am, I let the poor jackass kid spend the night in an alleyway without a cent to his name, so I agreed.

First thing in the morning, I called him a taxi and woke him up off my couch, pushing him towards my front door and handing him a $20 bill for cab fare.

Needless to say, his later texts were greeted with silence.

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